ARE YOU FEELING SADNESS, I WAS WONDERING?

- Collective pain is what we’re experiencing worldwide - perhaps a collective depression.

It might be new to some people for sadness to be around so often, so I’d like to share my experience living with sadness as a regular guest. -

This essay was originally released on Patreon in 04/2020

Hello x

I find myself incredibly sad today. A quite frank confession to start a letter with. Vulnerability - the kind of thing most of us hide deep down and might open up about eventually after a well prepared 3 hour conversation with a friend. As the world has changed it’s more present now, right?

I’m incredibly sad today and I know it’s fine to be open about this. It’s a time to feel all the feelings, to allow the good and the bad to visit and have a tea - with both of them.

As you know, sadness and I have been friends for as long as I can think, as well as “melancholy” – she is a a part of me, and we keep on hanging out, often actually to think, to create, argue or just to be with each other. Most of the time she shows up without a heads up - like a true friend would do - just popping by, knowing you will take time and space to listen and to be there.

Most of the time I do take my time to ask the sadness what made her come around, what happened exactly and what would make both of us feel better. But to be honest, often we’re just hanging in there for some moments, to again feel all the feels that come up when numbness takes over body and mind, lying on the bed looking up at the ceiling wondering what made her come this time.

I guess this is always the first introduction of this weird little friend, before she expands her intensity, capturing all the senses by paralysis - grabbing the focus by making me numb and incredibly sad, and for sure lowering my vibration.

Then, after I surrender and breathe - breathe - breathe - this weird little friend is open for conversations. Slow ones, uncomfortable ones, and she wants me to listen about the pain she has been feeling for a very long time and wanting comfort and compassion. Trying to be compassionate while being numb is quite a challenging task, I must say, and again, most of the time the sound of the voice that speaks isn’t very gentle. So what I’ve learned is: Surrender again and breathe, breathe, breathe. And listen.

I often lose my appetite during these visits. Perhaps my gut is busy processing all the information and is just not capable of handling more input. But she’s the kind of friend who wants all your focus and headspace, who won’t even let you have a cold shower on your own.

People say while someone’s in it they become egoistic, which always sounds so very judgmental and negative, but actually there’s some truth in that. Self-centering and grounding - sitting with this friend and listening can be a very dark and isolated place, a cold one in my case too. And to be honest, it’s not a place I would want to invite someone to join and listen as it can be quite cruel. When I am in this kind of low mood and vibration I tend to stay away from people and just be with myself, not wanting to lower other people’s mood. This is a concern of mine and I take it seriously - being in an open space and nature of course helps, a little walk around the block, too - alone.

As I said, most of the time those conversations are not the most friendly ones - and the tone is snarky, shitty and generally just unfair. It’s a paradox that it’s usually quite hard to be aware of this unkindness and unfairness while being in this conversation, and of the truth that very often gets twisted when your “friend” is speaking out of rage. It’s an unpleasant situation because it’s also hard to just kick this friend out of your head. So I do listen, in very quiet and calm surroundings, and I try to keep my distance, and keep my empathy close to me.

People have found an expression for this - for phases when sadness visits with numbness and takes over your headspace and energy, lowering your vibration.

It’s called depression.

I think you’ve heard about it, too. Its spectrum and intensity are wide and complex - and we don’t need to go into the details right now.

Have you ever felt it, I was wondering?

In my case, depression visits quite frequently - a period seems to be a wonderful invitation invitation, or stress, bad news, humans, or a crisis, a shock or yes - a pandemic. Whenever I struggle to keep my balance, she’s just around being like “Oh, you had no time for mindfulness, here I come”. See how she’s talking - she will always find the mistake in your behavior and yeah - sometimes she is right. Sometimes she’s not. And in my case she is female.

Are you feeling it right now, I was wondering?

We were all surprised by a pandemic, an apocalypse scenario that swept some rugs from under all our feet. A huge shock. And everyone felt that shock almost at the same time - a collective depression.

I do believe in energy, moods and frequencies, and I guess it’s an absolute no-brainer that the world’s mood and its frequency are very low right now. I guess you agree with me that things felt different, let’s say in February? I would actually like to feel the difference for a few seconds - a good day in February compared to a good day now, in April. So, perhaps your mood is low too given our situation - given the realization that uplifting smiles aren’t happening much right now and a close hug from a friend isn’t possible for most people.

Perhaps this shock also invited a friend of yours to be closer right now - sadness.

And I’d like to tell you - this is normal.

And it’s okay and it IS fine to be sad.

It’s fine to be sad in regard to the world’s pain, your worries and also regarding your own private tragic way this situation has affected you. Whether you’ve experienced a major shift or just a “little” difference, it is OK to be sad and to hold space for yourself and your sadness to feel all the feelings and embrace them and, in the best case, to let them go. It’s isolation within an isolation - a dangerous one actually, a challenging one that does fade most of the time, which is so good to know, and a mantra I tell myself while she is visiting - it’ll fade.

Invite kindness to be present with sadness, as this will change its tone - and take it slow. Breathe again - into your belly - very slow - in your own tempo but just do it. Hold yourself - give yourself a hug, a real one, a physical one and tell yourself it is OK to feel this way right now, and be sure this won’t last forever. Sleep and pauses, sunshine and baths (salt baths - base baths) - walks, looking into the sky - be kind to yourself and treat yourself the way you would treat and cheer up a sad and perhaps grumpy child. I’m sure we all know how to take care of such a child - everything would be a little cuter, sweeter, lighter and perhaps with some funny gestures. Which sounds stupid, I know - but it does help - I know that, too. Sometimes I imagine the voice of a good friend and how they would talk to me - encouraging me to gently change the perspective - as I just did now. Moving into my beautiful vintage chair, being gently kissed by the sunlight that now shines upon my face. Eat well, eat the greens, the vitamins, drink your favorite tea and perhaps cook something nice and feed yourself, and the sadness as well. Pasta often helps, feeds my soul, warms up my heart and gives me a lot of good feelings.

It’s pretty unpredictable how long she’ll stick around when she comes to visit. Is this visit for hours, days or weeks? Sometimes it’s hard to tell and maybe it’s not important. What I’ve learned is that it does make sense to listen to what she is sad about - the worries and the fears – but again, with distance and without judgment.

And to move - your body, your mind - challenging your senses with the scents and views that make you feel good. Try out the tiniest things and feel how this changes your visitor’s mood. I know it’s a tough thing to do when you’re paralyzed, but again - take baby steps and don’t judge your efforts. Yoga and breath work does help, loosening up some tension and allowing a flow to replace the paralysis.

What I’ve also learned is that she will leave if things get “too nice” - actually as soon as my vibration rises, she just leaves and is like “Nah, thanks, that’s not my kinda vibe”. Goodbye moodiness, see you next time.

It almost always feels like a small victory when she finally leaves and I can’t tell you how deep my exhales are when I realize “She’s gone!”

Then I take long walks and think about the things she said - with distance and knowing she is just not the nicest person in general, but knowing she knows me pretty well.

This is some of my experience, with the purest intention on how you can deal with this kind of isolation within our isolation, though I also wanted to create awareness towards yourself and your loved ones.

You might have that friend who spends a lot of time in isolation within the isolation of his/her own head. Or that friend who usually isn’t much affected by sadness, but is now experiencing something new because of this situation. I ask you to check in on yourself, on your friends and family to hear how they are dealing with the sadness that lies in the air. Be brave about this, it’s not the time to wait 3 hours to open up, to wait for the perfect moment to share what has been sitting on your chest, what makes your heart cry. Perhaps write it down, as a way of letting it go.

And if it’s sadness - then it is sadness and we know a true friend will listen to you, hold you (metaphorically) and be compassionate. And cry - give yourself permission to let it all out. Trust me, this will relieve accepting the sadness as an honest feeling that just has existence in dark times.

I ask you to ask yourself and your loved ones how they are feeling, and to allow yourself and others to be open about negative feelings knowing there is a way to be uplifted, and sometimes that’s easier with a little help from a friend.

Feel free to think and share how you would cheer up a dear one - perhaps your dearest one - which is you.

So I was wondering - how are you dealing with it?

Is it new for you to ride an emotional rollercoaster, being aware of all the ups (yeah, there are still enough ups AKA silver linings) and the downs that are unavoidable and perhaps just massive right now?